Recently, feminism has taken a hit. Guys you thought you could count on, like Louis CK or Senator Al Franken, have proven to be huge disappointments. We thought because they talked the talk that they could walk the walk. There’s more to being a male ally than just words. It takes action. Real action. Voting for Hillary is easy. Asking women on Twitter if they’re ok is easy. You know what’s not easy, especially for us guys that just want to help get the message of feminism out there? Abstaining from harassing women. Which brings me to my point. We male feminists need to get laid more.

Look, no one wants to end male oppression of women more than male allies. Just ask us. But how are we supposed to help women when we’re being sidelined with blue balls? I want to be out there with you, marching for equality, showing our Misogynist-In-Chief Donald Trump that we aren’t afraid and we will never back down. But I have needs, you know? How am I supposed to campaign for women’s rights when the very same women I’m trying to help refuse to give me sex? Is that equality?

Don’t get me wrong. I respect women. I respect your independence, I respect your agency, and I respect your body. The feminine form is one of pure beauty and warmth, so don’t you think you’re being a little selfish when you refuse to have sex with me, even after I gave you a ride to the pro choice rally? It’s not my fault anyway. I just find passionate, intelligent women to be very sexy. I’m not like those pigs who only want women for sex, I want to amplify female voices. I just think we’d be more united as a movement if you ladies weren’t so uptight about me trying to kiss you on the way back from a Planned Parenthood fundraiser. I’m already on your side. What are you trying to prove?

Men like me are extremely valuable to feminism. You need me on your side. When I’m at a bar with the guys and someone makes a sexist remark, I’m the first and loudest one to remind them that’s not ok. I’ve lost male friendships sticking up for women and if given the chance, I’d do it all over again. Isn’t that worth a little sugar? I think I’m being pretty reasonable here. If feminists want to keep men like me on the front lines fighting for your equality, the least you could do is throw me a pity fuck once in a while.