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date: 2022-04-03
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I learned at the beginning of the week that the position I applied for won't be filled internally. I have mixed feelings about this, and a fair amount of sour grapes. Mostly the uncertainty of it all feeds into an ennui that's been brewing for quite some time. A collection of little frustrations leave me itchy for change. I guess that's not unusual, but today it isn't balanced with enough optimism for the future.

It's certainly not just work feeding the malasie. I find myself feeling like I don't belong to the people I see enjoying life in the city, for I cannot empathize with their pleasure. I read or listen to stories of others overcoming great adversity or excelling in their pursuits, and I struggle to identify with their progress.

The old E. B. White quote, "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world," used to really resonate but now feels distant. I arise in the morning resigned to fulfil my duties for another day.
