SCENE II. OLIVIA's house. Twelfth Night  Shakespeare homepage  |  Twelfth Night  | Act 4, Scene 2 

 Previous scene  |  Next scene  SCENE II. OLIVIA's house. 

 Enter MARIA and Clown  MARIA  Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; 

 make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do 

 it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. 



 Exit  Clown  Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself 

 in't; and I would I were the first that ever 

 dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to 

 become the function well, nor lean enough to be 

 thought a good student; but to be said an honest man 

 and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a 

 careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. 



 Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA  SIR TOBY BELCH  Jove bless thee, master Parson. 

 Clown  Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of 

 Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily 

 said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' 

 so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, 

 what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  To him, Sir Topas. 

 Clown  What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. 

 MALVOLIO  [Within]  Who calls there? 

 Clown  Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio 

 the lunatic. 

 MALVOLIO  Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. 

 Clown  Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! 

 talkest thou nothing but of ladies? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Well said, Master Parson. 

 MALVOLIO  Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir 

 Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me 

 here in hideous darkness. 

 Clown  Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most 

 modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones 

 that will use the devil himself with courtesy: 

 sayest thou that house is dark? 

 MALVOLIO  As hell, Sir Topas. 

 Clown  Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, 

 and the clearstores toward the south north are as 

 lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of 

 obstruction? 

 MALVOLIO  I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark. 

 Clown  Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness 

 but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than 

 the Egyptians in their fog. 

 MALVOLIO  I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though 

 ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there 

 was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you 

 are: make the trial of it in any constant question. 

 Clown  What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? 

 MALVOLIO  That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. 

 Clown  What thinkest thou of his opinion? 

 MALVOLIO  I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. 

 Clown  Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: 

 thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will 

 allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest 

 thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. 

 MALVOLIO  Sir Topas, Sir Topas! 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  My most exquisite Sir Topas! 

 Clown  Nay, I am for all waters. 

 MARIA  Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and 

 gown: he sees thee not. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how 

 thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this 

 knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I 

 would he were, for I am now so far in offence with 

 my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this 

 sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. 



 Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA  Clown  [Singing] 

 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, 

 Tell me how thy lady does.' 

 MALVOLIO  Fool! 

 Clown  'My lady is unkind, perdy.' 

 MALVOLIO  Fool! 

 Clown  'Alas, why is she so?' 

 MALVOLIO  Fool, I say! 

 Clown  'She loves another'--Who calls, ha? 

 MALVOLIO  Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my 

 hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: 

 as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to 

 thee for't. 

 Clown  Master Malvolio? 

 MALVOLIO  Ay, good fool. 

 Clown  Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? 

 MALVOLIO  Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I 

 am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. 

 Clown  But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no 

 better in your wits than a fool. 

 MALVOLIO  They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, 

 send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to 

 face me out of my wits. 

 Clown  Advise you what you say; the minister is here. 

 Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! 

 endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain 

 bibble babble. 

 MALVOLIO  Sir Topas! 

 Clown  Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, 

 sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. 

 Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will. 

 MALVOLIO  Fool, fool, fool, I say! 

 Clown  Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am 

 shent for speaking to you. 

 MALVOLIO  Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I 

 tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. 

 Clown  Well-a-day that you were, sir 

 MALVOLIO  By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and 

 light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: 

 it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing 

 of letter did. 

 Clown  I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you 

 not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? 

 MALVOLIO  Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. 

 Clown  Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his 

 brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. 

 MALVOLIO  Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I 

 prithee, be gone. 

 Clown  [Singing] 

 I am gone, sir, 

 And anon, sir, 

 I'll be with you again, 

 In a trice, 

 Like to the old Vice, 

 Your need to sustain; 

 Who, with dagger of lath, 

 In his rage and his wrath, 

 Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: 

 Like a mad lad, 

 Pare thy nails, dad; 

 Adieu, good man devil. 



 Exit  Shakespeare homepage  |  Twelfth Night  | Act 4, Scene 2 

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