SCENE I. A part of the Grecian camp. Troilus and Cressida  Shakespeare homepage  |  Troiles and Cressida  | Act 2, Scene 1 

 Previous scene  |  Next scene  SCENE I. A part of the Grecian camp. 

 Enter AJAX and THERSITES  AJAX  Thersites! 

 THERSITES  Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, 

 generally? 

 AJAX  Thersites! 

 THERSITES  And those boils did run? say so: did not the 

 general run then? were not that a botchy core? 

 AJAX  Dog! 

 THERSITES  Then would come some matter from him; I see none now. 

 AJAX  Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? 



 Beating him  Feel, then. 

 THERSITES  The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel 

 beef-witted lord! 

 AJAX  Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will 

 beat thee into handsomeness. 

 THERSITES  I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, 

 I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than 

 thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, 

 canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks! 

 AJAX  Toadstool, learn me the proclamation. 

 THERSITES  Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus? 

 AJAX  The proclamation! 

 THERSITES  Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think. 

 AJAX  Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch. 

 THERSITES  I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had 

 the scratching of thee; I would make thee the 

 loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in 

 the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another. 

 AJAX  I say, the proclamation! 

 THERSITES  Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, 

 and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as 

 Cerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thou 

 barkest at him. 

 AJAX  Mistress Thersites! 

 THERSITES  Thou shouldest strike him. 

 AJAX  Cobloaf! 

 THERSITES  He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a 

 sailor breaks a biscuit. 

 AJAX  [Beating him]  You whoreson cur! 

 THERSITES  Do, do. 

 AJAX  Thou stool for a witch! 

 THERSITES  Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no 

 more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego 

 may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art 

 here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and 

 sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. 

 If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and 

 tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no 

 bowels, thou! 

 AJAX  You dog! 

 THERSITES  You scurvy lord! 

 AJAX  [Beating him]  You cur! 

 THERSITES  Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do. 



 Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS  ACHILLES  Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now, 

 Thersites! what's the matter, man? 

 THERSITES  You see him there, do you? 

 ACHILLES  Ay; what's the matter? 

 THERSITES  Nay, look upon him. 

 ACHILLES  So I do: what's the matter? 

 THERSITES  Nay, but regard him well. 

 ACHILLES  'Well!' why, I do so. 

 THERSITES  But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you 

 take him to be, he is Ajax. 

 ACHILLES  I know that, fool. 

 THERSITES  Ay, but that fool knows not himself. 

 AJAX  Therefore I beat thee. 

 THERSITES  Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his 

 evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his 

 brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy 

 nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not 

 worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, 

 Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and 

 his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of 

 him. 

 ACHILLES  What? 

 THERSITES  I say, this Ajax-- 



 Ajax offers to beat him  ACHILLES  Nay, good Ajax. 

 THERSITES  Has not so much wit-- 

 ACHILLES  Nay, I must hold you. 

 THERSITES  As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he 

 comes to fight. 

 ACHILLES  Peace, fool! 

 THERSITES  I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will 

 not: he there: that he: look you there. 

 AJAX  O thou damned cur! I shall-- 

 ACHILLES  Will you set your wit to a fool's? 

 THERSITES  No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it. 

 PATROCLUS  Good words, Thersites. 

 ACHILLES  What's the quarrel? 

 AJAX  I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the 

 proclamation, and he rails upon me. 

 THERSITES  I serve thee not. 

 AJAX  Well, go to, go to. 

 THERSITES  I serve here voluntarily. 

 ACHILLES  Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not 

 voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was 

 here the voluntary, and you as under an impress. 

 THERSITES  E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your 

 sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great 

 catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a' 

 were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. 

 ACHILLES  What, with me too, Thersites? 

 THERSITES  There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy 

 ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you 

 like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars. 

 ACHILLES  What, what? 

 THERSITES  Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to! 

 AJAX  I shall cut out your tongue. 

 THERSITES  'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou 

 afterwards. 

 PATROCLUS  No more words, Thersites; peace! 

 THERSITES  I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I? 

 ACHILLES  There's for you, Patroclus. 

 THERSITES  I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come 

 any more to your tents: I will keep where there is 

 wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. 



 Exit  PATROCLUS  A good riddance. 

 ACHILLES  Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host: 

 That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, 

 Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy 

 To-morrow morning call some knight to arms 

 That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare 

 Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell. 

 AJAX  Farewell. Who shall answer him? 

 ACHILLES  I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise 

 He knew his man. 

 AJAX  O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it. 



 Exeunt  Shakespeare homepage  |  Troiles and Cressida  | Act 2, Scene 1 

 Previous scene  |  Next scene 