SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn. The Merry Wives of Windsor  Shakespeare homepage  |  Merry Wives of Windsor  | Act 1, Scene 3 

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 Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN  FALSTAFF  Mine host of the Garter! 

 Host  What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely. 

 FALSTAFF  Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my 

 followers. 

 Host  Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. 

 FALSTAFF  I sit at ten pounds a week. 

 Host  Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I 

 will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall 

 tap: said I well, bully Hector? 

 FALSTAFF  Do so, good mine host. 

 Host  I have spoke; let him follow. 



 To BARDOLPH  Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. 



 Exit  FALSTAFF  Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: 

 an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered 

 serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. 

 BARDOLPH  It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive. 

 PISTOL  O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield? 



 Exit BARDOLPH  NYM  He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited? 

 FALSTAFF  I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his 

 thefts were too open; his filching was like an 

 unskilful singer; he kept not time. 

 NYM  The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. 

 PISTOL  'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico 

 for the phrase! 

 FALSTAFF  Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. 

 PISTOL  Why, then, let kibes ensue. 

 FALSTAFF  There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. 

 PISTOL  Young ravens must have food. 

 FALSTAFF  Which of you know Ford of this town? 

 PISTOL  I ken the wight: he is of substance good. 

 FALSTAFF  My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. 

 PISTOL  Two yards, and more. 

 FALSTAFF  No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two 

 yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about 

 thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's 

 wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, 

 she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I 

 can construe the action of her familiar style; and 

 the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished 

 rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' 

 PISTOL  He hath studied her will, and translated her will, 

 out of honesty into English. 

 NYM  The anchor is deep: will that humour pass? 

 FALSTAFF  Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her 

 husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels. 

 PISTOL  As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. 

 NYM  The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. 

 FALSTAFF  I have writ me here a letter to her: and here 

 another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good 

 eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious 

 oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my 

 foot, sometimes my portly belly. 

 PISTOL  Then did the sun on dunghill shine. 

 NYM  I thank thee for that humour. 

 FALSTAFF  O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a 

 greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did 

 seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's 

 another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she 

 is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will 

 be cheater to them both, and they shall be 

 exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West 

 Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou 

 this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to 

 Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive. 

 PISTOL  Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, 

 And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! 

 NYM  I will run no base humour: here, take the 

 humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation. 

 FALSTAFF  [To ROBIN]  Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; 

 Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. 

 Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; 

 Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack! 

 Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, 

 French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page. 



 Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN  PISTOL  Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, 

 And high and low beguiles the rich and poor: 

 Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, 

 Base Phrygian Turk! 

 NYM  I have operations which be humours of revenge. 

 PISTOL  Wilt thou revenge? 

 NYM  By welkin and her star! 

 PISTOL  With wit or steel? 

 NYM  With both the humours, I: 

 I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. 

 PISTOL  And I to Ford shall eke unfold 

 How Falstaff, varlet vile, 

 His dove will prove, his gold will hold, 

 And his soft couch defile. 

 NYM  My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to 

 deal with poison; I will possess him with 

 yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: 

 that is my true humour. 

 PISTOL  Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on. 



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