SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn. The Merry Wives of Windsor  Shakespeare homepage  |  Merry Wives of Windsor  | Act 4, Scene 5 

 Previous scene  |  Next scene  SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn. 

 Enter Host and SIMPLE  Host  What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin? 

 speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. 

 SIMPLE  Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff 

 from Master Slender. 

 Host  There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his 

 standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about 

 with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go 

 knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian 

 unto thee: knock, I say. 

 SIMPLE  There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his 

 chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come 

 down; I come to speak with her, indeed. 

 Host  Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll 

 call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from 

 thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine 

 host, thine Ephesian, calls. 

 FALSTAFF  [Above]  How now, mine host! 

 Host  Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of 

 thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her 

 descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy? 

 fie! 



 Enter FALSTAFF  FALSTAFF  There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with 

 me;  but she's gone. 

 SIMPLE  Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of 

 Brentford? 

 FALSTAFF  Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her? 

 SIMPLE  My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing 

 her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether 

 one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the 

 chain or no. 

 FALSTAFF  I spake with the old woman about it. 

 SIMPLE  And what says she, I pray, sir? 

 FALSTAFF  Marry, she says that the very same man that 

 beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of 

 it. 

 SIMPLE  I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; 

 I had other things to have spoken with her too from 

 him. 

 FALSTAFF  What are they? let us know. 

 Host  Ay, come; quick. 

 SIMPLE  I may not conceal them, sir. 

 Host  Conceal them, or thou diest. 

 SIMPLE  Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne 

 Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to 

 have her or no. 

 FALSTAFF  'Tis, 'tis his fortune. 

 SIMPLE  What, sir? 

 FALSTAFF  To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so. 

 SIMPLE  May I be bold to say so, sir? 

 FALSTAFF  Ay, sir; like who more bold. 

 SIMPLE  I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad 

 with these tidings. 



 Exit  Host  Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was 

 there a wise woman with thee? 

 FALSTAFF  Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught 

 me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; 

 and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for 

 my learning. 



 Enter BARDOLPH  BARDOLPH  Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage! 

 Host  Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto. 

 BARDOLPH  Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came 

 beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of 

 them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, 

 like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. 

 Host  They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not 

 say they be fled; Germans are honest men. 



 Enter SIR HUGH EVANS  SIR HUGH EVANS  Where is mine host? 

 Host  What is the matter, sir? 

 SIR HUGH EVANS  Have a care of your entertainments: there is a 

 friend of mine come to town tells me there is three 

 cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of 

 Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and 

 money. I tell you for good will, look you: you 

 are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and 

 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well. 



 Exit 

 Enter DOCTOR CAIUS  DOCTOR CAIUS  Vere is mine host de Jarteer? 

 Host  Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma. 

 DOCTOR CAIUS  I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat 

 you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by 

 my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to 

 come. I tell you for good vill: adieu. 



 Exit  Host  Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am 

 undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone! 



 Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH  FALSTAFF  I would all the world might be cozened; for I have 

 been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to 

 the ear of the court, how I have been transformed 

 and how my transformation hath been washed and 

 cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by 

 drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant 

 they would whip me with their fine wits till I were 

 as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered 

 since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my 

 wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent. 



 Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY  Now, whence come you? 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  From the two parties, forsooth. 

 FALSTAFF  The devil take one party and his dam the other! and 

 so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more 

 for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy 

 of man's disposition is able to bear. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; 

 speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, 

 is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a 

 white spot about her. 

 FALSTAFF  What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was 

 beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; 

 and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of 

 Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, 

 my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, 

 delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the 

 stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you 

 shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your 

 content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good 

 hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! 

 Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that 

 you are so crossed. 

 FALSTAFF  Come up into my chamber. 



 Exeunt  Shakespeare homepage  |  Merry Wives of Windsor  | Act 4, Scene 5 

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