SCENE III. A street. Much Ado About Nothing  Shakespeare homepage  |  Much Ado About Nothing  | Act 3, Scene 3 

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 Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch  DOGBERRY  Are you good men and true? 

 VERGES  Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer 

 salvation, body and soul. 

 DOGBERRY  Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if 

 they should have any allegiance in them, being 

 chosen for the prince's watch. 

 VERGES  Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry. 

 DOGBERRY  First, who think you the most desertless man to be 

 constable? 

 First Watchman  Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can 

 write and read. 

 DOGBERRY  Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed 

 you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is 

 the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature. 

 Second Watchman  Both which, master constable,-- 

 DOGBERRY  You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, 

 for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make 

 no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, 

 let that appear when there is no need of such 

 vanity. You are thought here to be the most 

 senseless and fit man for the constable of the 

 watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your 

 charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are 

 to bid any man stand, in the prince's name. 

 Second Watchman  How if a' will not stand? 

 DOGBERRY  Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and 

 presently call the rest of the watch together and 

 thank God you are rid of a knave. 

 VERGES  If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none 

 of the prince's subjects. 

 DOGBERRY  True, and they are to meddle with none but the 

 prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in 

 the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to 

 talk is most tolerable and not to be endured. 

 Watchman  We will rather sleep than talk: we know what 

 belongs to a watch. 

 DOGBERRY  Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet 

 watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should 

 offend: only, have a care that your bills be not 

 stolen. Well, you are to call at all the 

 ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed. 

 Watchman  How if they will not? 

 DOGBERRY  Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if 

 they make you not then the better answer, you may 

 say they are not the men you took them for. 

 Watchman  Well, sir. 

 DOGBERRY  If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue 

 of your office, to be no true man; and, for such 

 kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, 

 why the more is for your honesty. 

 Watchman  If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay 

 hands on him? 

 DOGBERRY  Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they 

 that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable 

 way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him 

 show himself what he is and steal out of your company. 

 VERGES  You have been always called a merciful man, partner. 

 DOGBERRY  Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more 

 a man who hath any honesty in him. 

 VERGES  If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call 

 to the nurse and bid her still it. 

 Watchman  How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us? 

 DOGBERRY  Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake 

 her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her 

 lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats. 

 VERGES  'Tis very true. 

 DOGBERRY  This is the end of the charge:--you, constable, are 

 to present the prince's own person: if you meet the 

 prince in the night, you may stay him. 

 VERGES  Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot. 

 DOGBERRY  Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows 

 the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without 

 the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought 

 to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a 

 man against his will. 

 VERGES  By'r lady, I think it be so. 

 DOGBERRY  Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be 

 any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your 

 fellows' counsels and your own; and good night. 

 Come, neighbour. 

 Watchman  Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here 

 upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed. 

 DOGBERRY  One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch 

 about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being 

 there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night. 

 Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you. 



 Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES 

 Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE  BORACHIO  What Conrade! 

 Watchman  [Aside]  Peace! stir not. 

 BORACHIO  Conrade, I say! 

 CONRADE  Here, man; I am at thy elbow. 

 BORACHIO  Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a 

 scab follow. 

 CONRADE  I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward 

 with thy tale. 

 BORACHIO  Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for 

 it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, 

 utter all to thee. 

 Watchman  [Aside]  Some treason, masters: yet stand close. 

 BORACHIO  Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats. 

 CONRADE  Is it possible that any villany should be so dear? 

 BORACHIO  Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any 

 villany should be so rich; for when rich villains 

 have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what 

 price they will. 

 CONRADE  I wonder at it. 

 BORACHIO  That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that 

 the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is 

 nothing to a man. 

 CONRADE  Yes, it is apparel. 

 BORACHIO  I mean, the fashion. 

 CONRADE  Yes, the fashion is the fashion. 

 BORACHIO  Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But 

 seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion 

 is? 

 Watchman  [Aside]  I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile 

 thief this seven year; a' goes up and down like a 

 gentleman: I remember his name. 

 BORACHIO  Didst thou not hear somebody? 

 CONRADE  No; 'twas the vane on the house. 

 BORACHIO  Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this 

 fashion is? how giddily a' turns about all the hot 

 bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty? 

 sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's soldiers 

 in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel's 

 priests in the old church-window, sometime like the 

 shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, 

 where his codpiece seems as massy as his club? 

 CONRADE  All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears 

 out more apparel than the man. But art not thou 

 thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast 

 shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion? 

 BORACHIO  Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night 

 wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero's gentlewoman, by the 

 name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress' 

 chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good 

 night,--I tell this tale vilely:--I should first 

 tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master, 

 planted and placed and possessed by my master Don 

 John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter. 

 CONRADE  And thought they Margaret was Hero? 

 BORACHIO  Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the 

 devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly 

 by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by 

 the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly 

 by my villany, which did confirm any slander that 

 Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore 

 he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning 

 at the temple, and there, before the whole 

 congregation, shame her with what he saw o'er night 

 and send her home again without a husband. 

 First Watchman  We charge you, in the prince's name, stand! 

 Second Watchman  Call up the right master constable. We have here 

 recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that 

 ever was known in the commonwealth. 

 First Watchman  And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a' 

 wears a lock. 

 CONRADE  Masters, masters,-- 

 Second Watchman  You'll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you. 

 CONRADE  Masters,-- 

 First Watchman  Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us. 

 BORACHIO  We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken 

 up of these men's bills. 

 CONRADE  A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we'll obey you. 



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