SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house. Twelfth Night  Shakespeare homepage  |  Twelfth Night  | Act 1, Scene 5 

 Previous scene  |  Next scene  SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house. 

 Enter MARIA and Clown  MARIA  Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will 

 not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in 

 way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence. 

 Clown  Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this 

 world needs to fear no colours. 

 MARIA  Make that good. 

 Clown  He shall see none to fear. 

 MARIA  A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that 

 saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.' 

 Clown  Where, good Mistress Mary? 

 MARIA  In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. 

 Clown  Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those 

 that are fools, let them use their talents. 

 MARIA  Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, 

 to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you? 

 Clown  Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, 

 for turning away, let summer bear it out. 

 MARIA  You are resolute, then? 

 Clown  Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points. 

 MARIA  That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both 

 break, your gaskins fall. 

 Clown  Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if 

 Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a 

 piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria. 

 MARIA  Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my 

 lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best. 



 Exit  Clown  Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! 

 Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft 

 prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may 

 pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? 

 'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.' 



 Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO  God bless thee, lady! 

 OLIVIA  Take the fool away. 

 Clown  Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady. 

 OLIVIA  Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: 

 besides, you grow dishonest. 

 Clown  Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel 

 will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is 

 the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend 

 himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if 

 he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing 

 that's mended is but patched: virtue that 

 transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that 

 amends is but patched with virtue. If that this 

 simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, 

 what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but 

 calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take 

 away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away. 

 OLIVIA  Sir, I bade them take away you. 

 Clown  Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non 

 facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not 

 motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to 

 prove you a fool. 

 OLIVIA  Can you do it? 

 Clown  Dexterously, good madonna. 

 OLIVIA  Make your proof. 

 Clown  I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse 

 of virtue, answer me. 

 OLIVIA  Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof. 

 Clown  Good madonna, why mournest thou? 

 OLIVIA  Good fool, for my brother's death. 

 Clown  I think his soul is in hell, madonna. 

 OLIVIA  I know his soul is in heaven, fool. 

 Clown  The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's 

 soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. 

 OLIVIA  What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend? 

 MALVOLIO  Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: 

 infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the 

 better fool. 

 Clown  God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the 

 better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be 

 sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his 

 word for two pence that you are no fool. 

 OLIVIA  How say you to that, Malvolio? 

 MALVOLIO  I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a 

 barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day 

 with an ordinary fool that has no more brain 

 than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard 

 already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to 

 him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, 

 that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better 

 than the fools' zanies. 

 OLIVIA  Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste 

 with a distempered appetite. To be generous, 

 guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those 

 things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: 

 there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do 

 nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet 

 man, though he do nothing but reprove. 

 Clown  Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou 

 speakest well of fools! 



 Re-enter MARIA  MARIA  Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much 

 desires to speak with you. 

 OLIVIA  From the Count Orsino, is it? 

 MARIA  I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended. 

 OLIVIA  Who of my people hold him in delay? 

 MARIA  Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. 

 OLIVIA  Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but 

 madman: fie on him! 



 Exit MARIA  Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I 

 am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. 



 Exit MALVOLIO  Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and 

 people dislike it. 

 Clown  Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest 

 son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with 

 brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a 

 most weak pia mater. 



 Enter SIR TOBY BELCH  OLIVIA  By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  A gentleman. 

 OLIVIA  A gentleman! what gentleman? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these 

 pickle-herring! How now, sot! 

 Clown  Good Sir Toby! 

 OLIVIA  Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate. 

 OLIVIA  Ay, marry, what is he? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give 

 me faith, say I. Well, it's all one. 



 Exit  OLIVIA  What's a drunken man like, fool? 

 Clown  Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one 

 draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads 

 him; and a third drowns him. 

 OLIVIA  Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my 

 coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's 

 drowned: go, look after him. 

 Clown  He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look 

 to the madman. 



 Exit 

 Re-enter MALVOLIO  MALVOLIO  Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with 

 you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to 

 understand so much, and therefore comes to speak 

 with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to 

 have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore 

 comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, 

 lady? he's fortified against any denial. 

 OLIVIA  Tell him he shall not speak with me. 

 MALVOLIO  Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your 

 door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to 

 a bench, but he'll speak with you. 

 OLIVIA  What kind o' man is he? 

 MALVOLIO  Why, of mankind. 

 OLIVIA  What manner of man? 

 MALVOLIO  Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no. 

 OLIVIA  Of what personage and years is he? 

 MALVOLIO  Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for 

 a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a 

 cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him 

 in standing water, between boy and man. He is very 

 well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one 

 would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him. 

 OLIVIA  Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman. 

 MALVOLIO  Gentlewoman, my lady calls. 



 Exit 

 Re-enter MARIA  OLIVIA  Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face. 

 We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy. 



 Enter VIOLA, and Attendants  VIOLA  The honourable lady of the house, which is she? 

 OLIVIA  Speak to me; I shall answer for her. 

 Your will? 

 VIOLA  Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I 

 pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, 

 for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away 

 my speech, for besides that it is excellently well 

 penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good 

 beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very 

 comptible, even to the least sinister usage. 

 OLIVIA  Whence came you, sir? 

 VIOLA  I can say little more than I have studied, and that 

 question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me 

 modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, 

 that I may proceed in my speech. 

 OLIVIA  Are you a comedian? 

 VIOLA  No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs 

 of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you 

 the lady of the house? 

 OLIVIA  If I do not usurp myself, I am. 

 VIOLA  Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp 

 yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours 

 to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will 

 on with my speech in your praise, and then show you 

 the heart of my message. 

 OLIVIA  Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise. 

 VIOLA  Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical. 

 OLIVIA  It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, 

 keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, 

 and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you 

 than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if 

 you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of 

 moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue. 

 MARIA  Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way. 

 VIOLA  No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little 

 longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet 

 lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger. 

 OLIVIA  Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when 

 the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office. 

 VIOLA  It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of 

 war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my 

 hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter. 

 OLIVIA  Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you? 

 VIOLA  The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I 

 learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I 

 would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, 

 divinity, to any other's, profanation. 

 OLIVIA  Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity. 



 Exeunt MARIA and Attendants  Now, sir, what is your text? 

 VIOLA  Most sweet lady,-- 

 OLIVIA  A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. 

 Where lies your text? 

 VIOLA  In Orsino's bosom. 

 OLIVIA  In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom? 

 VIOLA  To answer by the method, in the first of his heart. 

 OLIVIA  O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say? 

 VIOLA  Good madam, let me see your face. 

 OLIVIA  Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate 

 with my face? You are now out of your text: but 

 we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. 

 Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't 

 not well done? 



 Unveiling  VIOLA  Excellently done, if God did all. 

 OLIVIA  'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather. 

 VIOLA  'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white 

 Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on: 

 Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive, 

 If you will lead these graces to the grave 

 And leave the world no copy. 

 OLIVIA  O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give 

 out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be 

 inventoried, and every particle and utensil 

 labelled to my will: as, item, two lips, 

 indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to 

 them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were 

 you sent hither to praise me? 

 VIOLA  I see you what you are, you are too proud; 

 But, if you were the devil, you are fair. 

 My lord and master loves you: O, such love 

 Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd 

 The nonpareil of beauty! 

 OLIVIA  How does he love me? 

 VIOLA  With adorations, fertile tears, 

 With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire. 

 OLIVIA  Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him: 

 Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, 

 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; 

 In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant; 

 And in dimension and the shape of nature 

 A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him; 

 He might have took his answer long ago. 

 VIOLA  If I did love you in my master's flame, 

 With such a suffering, such a deadly life, 

 In your denial I would find no sense; 

 I would not understand it. 

 OLIVIA  Why, what would you? 

 VIOLA  Make me a willow cabin at your gate, 

 And call upon my soul within the house; 

 Write loyal cantons of contemned love 

 And sing them loud even in the dead of night; 

 Halloo your name to the reverberate hills 

 And make the babbling gossip of the air 

 Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest 

 Between the elements of air and earth, 

 But you should pity me! 

 OLIVIA  You might do much. 

 What is your parentage? 

 VIOLA  Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: 

 I am a gentleman. 

 OLIVIA  Get you to your lord; 

 I cannot love him: let him send no more; 

 Unless, perchance, you come to me again, 

 To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well: 

 I thank you for your pains: spend this for me. 

 VIOLA  I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse: 

 My master, not myself, lacks recompense. 

 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love; 

 And let your fervor, like my master's, be 

 Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty. 



 Exit  OLIVIA  'What is your parentage?' 

 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: 

 I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art; 

 Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit, 

 Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast: 

 soft, soft! 

 Unless the master were the man. How now! 

 Even so quickly may one catch the plague? 

 Methinks I feel this youth's perfections 

 With an invisible and subtle stealth 

 To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be. 

 What ho, Malvolio! 



 Re-enter MALVOLIO  MALVOLIO  Here, madam, at your service. 

 OLIVIA  Run after that same peevish messenger, 

 The county's man: he left this ring behind him, 

 Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it. 

 Desire him not to flatter with his lord, 

 Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him: 

 If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, 

 I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio. 

 MALVOLIO  Madam, I will. 



 Exit  OLIVIA  I do I know not what, and fear to find 

 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. 

 Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; 

 What is decreed must be, and be this so. 



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