SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn. The Merry Wives of Windsor  Shakespeare homepage  |  Merry Wives of Windsor  | Act 2, Scene 2 

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 Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL  FALSTAFF  I will not lend thee a penny. 

 PISTOL  Why, then the world's mine oyster. 

 Which I with sword will open. 

 FALSTAFF  Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should 

 lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my 

 good friends for three reprieves for you and your 

 coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through 

 the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in 

 hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were 

 good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress 

 Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon 

 mine honour thou hadst it not. 

 PISTOL  Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence? 

 FALSTAFF  Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll 

 endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more 

 about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife 

 and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. 

 You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you 

 stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable 

 baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the 

 terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself 

 sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand 

 and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to 

 shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, 

 will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain 

 looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your 

 bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your 

 honour! You will not do it, you! 

 PISTOL  I do relent: what would thou more of man? 



 Enter ROBIN  ROBIN  Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. 

 FALSTAFF  Let her approach. 



 Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY  MISTRESS QUICKLY  Give your worship good morrow. 

 FALSTAFF  Good morrow, good wife. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Not so, an't please your worship. 

 FALSTAFF  Good maid, then. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  I'll be sworn, 

 As my mother was, the first hour I was born. 

 FALSTAFF  I do believe the swearer. What with me? 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? 

 FALSTAFF  Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee 

 the hearing. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a 

 little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master 

 Doctor Caius,-- 

 FALSTAFF  Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,-- 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, 

 come a little nearer this ways. 

 FALSTAFF  I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine 

 own people. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants! 

 FALSTAFF  Well, Mistress Ford; what of her? 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your 

 worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all 

 of us, I pray! 

 FALSTAFF  Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,-- 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you 

 have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis 

 wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the 

 court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her 

 to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and 

 lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant 

 you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift 

 after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so 

 rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in 

 such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of 

 the best and the fairest, that would have won any 

 woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never 

 get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels 

 given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in 

 any such sort, as they say, but in the way of 

 honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get 

 her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of 

 them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which 

 is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. 

 FALSTAFF  But what says she to me? be brief, my good 

 she-Mercury. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which 

 she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you 

 to notify that her husband will be absence from his 

 house between ten and eleven. 

 FALSTAFF  Ten and eleven? 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the 

 picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, 

 her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet 

 woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very 

 jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with 

 him, good heart. 

 FALSTAFF  Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will 

 not fail her. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to 

 your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty 

 commendations to you too: and let me tell you in 

 your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and 

 one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor 

 evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the 

 other: and she bade me tell your worship that her 

 husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there 

 will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon 

 a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth. 

 FALSTAFF  Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my 

 good parts aside I have no other charms. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Blessing on your heart for't! 

 FALSTAFF  But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and 

 Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  That were a jest indeed! they have not so little 

 grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but 

 Mistress Page would desire you to send her your 

 little page, of all loves: her husband has a 

 marvellous infection to the little page; and truly 

 Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in 

 Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what 

 she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go 

 to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as 

 she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there 

 be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must 

 send her your page; no remedy. 

 FALSTAFF  Why, I will. 

 MISTRESS QUICKLY  Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and 

 go between you both; and in any case have a 

 nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and 

 the boy never need to understand any thing; for 

 'tis not good that children should know any 

 wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, 

 as they say, and know the world. 

 FALSTAFF  Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's 

 my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with 

 this woman. 



 Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN  This news distracts me! 

 PISTOL  This punk is one of Cupid's carriers: 

 Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights: 

 Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! 



 Exit  FALSTAFF  Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make 

 more of thy old body than I have done. Will they 

 yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense 

 of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I 

 thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be 

 fairly done, no matter. 



 Enter BARDOLPH  BARDOLPH  Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain 

 speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath 

 sent your worship a morning's draught of sack. 

 FALSTAFF  Brook is his name? 

 BARDOLPH  Ay, sir. 

 FALSTAFF  Call him in. 



 Exit BARDOLPH  Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such 

 liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page 

 have I encompassed you? go to; via! 



 Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised  FORD  Bless you, sir! 

 FALSTAFF  And you, sir! Would you speak with me? 

 FORD  I make bold to press with so little preparation upon 

 you. 

 FALSTAFF  You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. 



 Exit BARDOLPH  FORD  Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. 

 FALSTAFF  Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. 

 FORD  Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; 

 for I must let you understand I think myself in 

 better plight for a lender than you are: the which 

 hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned 

 intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all 

 ways do lie open. 

 FALSTAFF  Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. 

 FORD  Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: 

 if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or 

 half, for easing me of the carriage. 

 FALSTAFF  Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. 

 FORD  I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. 

 FALSTAFF  Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be 

 your servant. 

 FORD  Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief 

 with you,--and you have been a man long known to me, 

 though I had never so good means, as desire, to make 

 myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a 

 thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine 

 own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have 

 one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, 

 turn another into the register of your own; that I 

 may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you 

 yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender. 

 FALSTAFF  Very well, sir; proceed. 

 FORD  There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's 

 name is Ford. 

 FALSTAFF  Well, sir. 

 FORD  I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, 

 bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting 

 observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; 

 fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly 

 give me sight of her; not only bought many presents 

 to give her, but have given largely to many to know 

 what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued 

 her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the 

 wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have 

 merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed, 

 I am sure, I have received none; unless experience 

 be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite 

 rate, and that hath taught me to say this: 

 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; 

 Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' 

 FALSTAFF  Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? 

 FORD  Never. 

 FALSTAFF  Have you importuned her to such a purpose? 

 FORD  Never. 

 FALSTAFF  Of what quality was your love, then? 

 FORD  Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so 

 that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place 

 where I erected it. 

 FALSTAFF  To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? 

 FORD  When I have told you that, I have told you all. 

 Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in 

 other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that 

 there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir 

 John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a 

 gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable 

 discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your 

 place and person, generally allowed for your many 

 war-like, court-like, and learned preparations. 

 FALSTAFF  O, sir! 

 FORD  Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend 

 it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only 

 give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as 

 to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this 

 Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to 

 consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as 

 any. 

 FALSTAFF  Would it apply well to the vehemency of your 

 affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? 

 Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. 

 FORD  O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on 

 the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my 

 soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to 

 be looked against. Now, could I could come to her 

 with any detection in my hand, my desires had 

 instance and argument to commend themselves: I 

 could drive her then from the ward of her purity, 

 her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand 

 other her defences, which now are too too strongly 

 embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John? 

 FALSTAFF  Master Brook, I will first make bold with your 

 money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a 

 gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. 

 FORD  O good sir! 

 FALSTAFF  I say you shall. 

 FORD  Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. 

 FALSTAFF  Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want 

 none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her 

 own appointment; even as you came in to me, her 

 assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I 

 shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at 

 that time the jealous rascally knave her husband 

 will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall 

 know how I speed. 

 FORD  I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, 

 sir? 

 FALSTAFF  Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: 

 yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the 

 jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the 

 which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will 

 use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; 

 and there's my harvest-home. 

 FORD  I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him 

 if you saw him. 

 FALSTAFF  Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will 

 stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my 

 cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the 

 cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I 

 will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt 

 lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. 

 Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; 

 thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and 

 cuckold. Come to me soon at night. 



 Exit  FORD  What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is 

 ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is 

 improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the 

 hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man 

 have thought this? See the hell of having a false 

 woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers 

 ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not 

 only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under 

 the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that 

 does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds 

 well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are 

 devils' additions, the names of fiends: but 

 Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath 

 not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he 

 will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will 

 rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh 

 the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my 

 aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling 

 gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, 

 then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they 

 think in their hearts they may effect, they will 

 break their hearts but they will effect. God be 

 praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. 

 I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on 

 Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; 

 better three hours too soon than a minute too late. 

 Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! 



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