SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house. Twelfth Night  Shakespeare homepage  |  Twelfth Night  | Act 1, Scene 3 

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 Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA  SIR TOBY BELCH  What a plague means my niece, to take the death of 

 her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life. 

 MARIA  By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' 

 nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great 

 exceptions to your ill hours. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Why, let her except, before excepted. 

 MARIA  Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest 

 limits of order. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am: 

 these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be 

 these boots too: an they be not, let them hang 

 themselves in their own straps. 

 MARIA  That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard 

 my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish 

 knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek? 

 MARIA  Ay, he. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria. 

 MARIA  What's that to the purpose? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Why, he has three thousand ducats a year. 

 MARIA  Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats: 

 he's a very fool and a prodigal. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the 

 viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages 

 word for word without book, and hath all the good 

 gifts of nature. 

 MARIA  He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that 

 he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that 

 he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he 

 hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent 

 he would quickly have the gift of a grave. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors 

 that say so of him. Who are they? 

 MARIA  They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to 

 her as long as there is a passage in my throat and 

 drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill 

 that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn 

 o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! 

 Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface. 



 Enter SIR ANDREW  SIR ANDREW  Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch! 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Sweet Sir Andrew! 

 SIR ANDREW  Bless you, fair shrew. 

 MARIA  And you too, sir. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Accost, Sir Andrew, accost. 

 SIR ANDREW  What's that? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  My niece's chambermaid. 

 SIR ANDREW  Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance. 

 MARIA  My name is Mary, sir. 

 SIR ANDREW  Good Mistress Mary Accost,-- 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board 

 her, woo her, assail her. 

 SIR ANDREW  By my troth, I would not undertake her in this 

 company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'? 

 MARIA  Fare you well, gentlemen. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst 

 never draw sword again. 

 SIR ANDREW  An you part so, mistress, I would I might never 

 draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have 

 fools in hand? 

 MARIA  Sir, I have not you by the hand. 

 SIR ANDREW  Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand. 

 MARIA  Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring 

 your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink. 

 SIR ANDREW  Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor? 

 MARIA  It's dry, sir. 

 SIR ANDREW  Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can 

 keep my hand dry. But what's your jest? 

 MARIA  A dry jest, sir. 

 SIR ANDREW  Are you full of them? 

 MARIA  Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, 

 now I let go your hand, I am barren. 



 Exit  SIR TOBY BELCH  O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I 

 see thee so put down? 

 SIR ANDREW  Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary 

 put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit 

 than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a 

 great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  No question. 

 SIR ANDREW  An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home 

 to-morrow, Sir Toby. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Pourquoi, my dear knight? 

 SIR ANDREW  What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had 

 bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in 

 fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but 

 followed the arts! 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair. 

 SIR ANDREW  Why, would that have mended my hair? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature. 

 SIR ANDREW  But it becomes me well enough, does't not? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I 

 hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs 

 and spin it off. 

 SIR ANDREW  Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece 

 will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one 

 she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above 

 her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I 

 have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, 

 man. 

 SIR ANDREW  I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the 

 strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques 

 and revels sometimes altogether. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight? 

 SIR ANDREW  As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the 

 degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare 

 with an old man. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight? 

 SIR ANDREW  Faith, I can cut a caper. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  And I can cut the mutton to't. 

 SIR ANDREW  And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong 

 as any man in Illyria. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have 

 these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to 

 take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost 

 thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in 

 a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not 

 so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What 

 dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? 

 I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy 

 leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard. 

 SIR ANDREW  Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a 

 flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels? 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus? 

 SIR ANDREW  Taurus! That's sides and heart. 

 SIR TOBY BELCH  No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the 

 caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent! 



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